Pagan Journeys > In the Broom Closet

Even more frustration

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rainshadow:
You guys have read the post(s) about my mom and how  :crazy: she can be. If you read my last post, you know we haven't spoken in two months (to the day actually). Well... we spoke today... she was non-stop texting me, which I apparently didn't block even though I blocked her calls, so I broke down and called her.

She was pleasant... and there came a point in the conversation where she told me that basically everything she yelled at me about last time (somehow even my aunt being responsible for my uncle's death) was because I was a pagan and didn't believer in her God. She said that her and my step-dad had a large problem with it and that while they would try to do the best they could to tolerate it, they weren't going to make any promises. Then they brought up Satan and how my oldest brother (who has borderline personality disorder and is a bit screwed up in the head, I have no contact with him because of some of the things he's done to me) worshipped Satan and all this other crap... I told her I didn't believe in Satan and that I don't hurt anyone with what I do and she said to leave it alone and they would do their best not to bring it up. I finally had one last say in the issue and told her that I didn't understand how she raised me in the way that she did (to love everyone, respect everyone, be kind to strangers, don't judge other people because they are different, etc.) and had me around the people she did growing up (some of her friends are pagan, gay, bi, lesbian, etc.), yet still found me to be the intolerable one. I just don't get it, and instead of giving me an answer, she said to let it go. I respect that... I mean, I've never willingly brought the topic up to her... didn't tell her for years that I was a pagan and the only reason she found out was because of my aunt who was on my FB page and ever since then, it's become a hot issue for her. I told her I didn't really think it was fair that she told me she accepted me and loved me no matter what when she found out, but yet threw it in my face every time I turned around. She just kept saying she was sorry, that she raised me "better than that" and that she would do her best not to say anything more to me. Then of course, she said her favorite thing and told me to, "put down the tarot cards and pick up a bible" before we got off the phone.

It's just really frustrating me. I seriously feel like I'm being abandoned and disowned because she can't accept me for who I am. Short of calling me an abomination, I think she said everything that she could say about the subject... my in-laws, who are very strict Christians, accept me more than my own mother does. It just sucks and I want to go kick dirt and cry about it... stupid, I know... but it's incredibly frustrating. I don't think I've ever been this frustrated in my life. I think that it goes back to how she's always been though, and that's one day, she's fine, the next day she hates everyone, then goes back to being fine again... she's bipolar and I think has narcissistic personality disorder on top of her other issues, so that explains the roller coaster, I just don't understand why I have to be her scapegoat  :hairpull:

rainshadow:
Sorry for the typos and misspells... too tired to fix them after working all night :(

BronwynWolf:
{{{{{{{{{{{Rain}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's hard. The whole "Put down the tarot cards and pick up the Bible" may be an ingrained habit with her by now. She says she'll do her best not to bring up the subject, yet she does every time she says that. If you need to cry about it, go ahead and cry... then go right out and live YOUR life the way that is right for you. You can't change her, honey. As you said, she has issues. You are the scapegoat BECAUSE you are her daughter. Sad but true. Those who are closest to a person with issues become the biggest target because at the back of their mind, the one with issues thinks no matter what they do, their own blood will always love them.

vordan:
Those we love have the greatest ability in our lives to be both hurt by us and to hurt us.

earthmuffin:
 :grouphug: Even as a adults, we still all crave unconditional love from our parents. Sometimes they aren't capable or are only capable to a degree and we have to learn to give it to ourselves. Way easier said than done, I know.

Maybe "let it go" can be your mantra to yourself when you feel yourself being bothered by something she has said. Alternatively, you could say "I know you're worried about me, mom, but I assure you I am still the kind, good person you raised me to be" whenever she said drop the Tarot and pick up the Bible.  It's like with kids, when they want to be heard, they just scream and fuss louder when you tell them they are wrong or jump in and tell them how to fix things. If you acknowledge their feelings and they feel heard, they calm down and stop arguing with you. Your mom is fearful and worried about you even if her reasons make no sense from your viewpoint. If you acknowledge her worry, what does she have to argue with you about?

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