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Author Topic: Love and Light  (Read 2849 times)

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VanWeyden

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Love and Light
« on: August 18, 2012, 05:05:25 PM »

Dumb Question:
I haven't seen this one so far.
Where does all this joy and peace come from?  I've been at this for close to 2 years and haven't felt any sort of overwhealming peace.  In fact, I think I may be "broken" in some sense of the word.  Instead of feelings of happy coexistence, I typically feel ready to do something, go fight a battle, or "take the hill".  It is a little hard to explain, but I suppose it could be described as being highly motivated to justly do harm to one's enemies.
Of course, there is no room for that in pagan/wicca/witch/etc.
If I am good at one thing, it is controlling unruly emotions.  The problem lies in their frequency.  Surely something is out of order if I look eagerly for death in those I label enemies, give everything I have in this world for the chance of a taste of that finality (long story, but it was with the military and perfectly legal.  also didn't happen.), or mentally torture people. 
Obvious things I have tried:
Depression- "treated" by suppliments of both serotonin and tryptophan.  Results were inconclusive. 
Jesus- I don't know if I'm just off my rocker, but my tolerance for Jewish zombies has diminished significantly.
Elders- My elders have suggested that I should try to ground.  It doesn't work/ I don't work.  (I'm also afraid that if I tell them, they will shun me.  Then I would be pissed off, confused, and alone.  Probably  not much happier.)
Shrink- Says I'm perfectly normal besides a Fruedian "seething pot of rage".  Not particularly helpful, but now I can reference it in a textbook.
Get laid- Yes.  It happens.
Entertain it- I've "communed" with bloody soil which has absorbed multiple genocides.  (Didn't help if you were wondering.) I've conducted blood rites and peered into the dark until something peered back.  Nada.

Has anyone else been so broken to be a sham to the world they want to belong to?  Any cures out there?  Am I just screwed?
So far, the only reprieve is a mantra.  This emotion returns as soon as I stop.
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Crystal Dragon

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2012, 06:46:46 PM »

Not sure if I can be of much help, but I do have some thoughts/comments on what you've stated here.

Where does all this joy and peace come from?

Peace/love/joy does exist in the Universe, but it's not always obvious and we humans aren't always able to connect with it.


Of course, there is no room for that in pagan/wicca/witch/etc.

I'm not sure where you've gotten your information, but Paganism does not mean zero violence, no vengeance, or that one must be a passive doormat.

Without knowing more about who you are as a person, or how long you've had these feelings/emotions, it's almost impossible to offer suggestions or advice.  Perhaps working with the elements could help you bring some balance into your life.  Have you tried channeling your aggressive emotions into something productive instead of trying to put a damper on them?
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vordan

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2012, 08:34:23 PM »

The world is full of pain nothing in paganism denies that. The talk about positive thoughts, feeling and actions is to try and balance all that bad stuff. For the bad energies there are positive energies, birth for death, laughter for tears, love for hate. Hatred and anger while it can keep you alive can also eat you up like a meth addiction. Sometimes our pain is like a collection of very nasty bitter brown stamps that we take out and lick for sick pleasure. The Gods and Godesses are often figures of transformation of changing things into a new form. The dead things in the soil feed the flowers. Try and find a way to grow something good from all the dung. I used to be filled with rage and pain when young, I did martial arts, worked out did art or poetry. I still try to find balance to all the bad things.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2012, 09:00:10 PM by vordan »
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dragonspring

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2012, 09:05:12 PM »

My first thought: have you ever considered a "Warrior" path in paganism?  Not all Pagans are passive and peace-seeking.

I would agree that channeling your anger into constructive activities would be helpful.  I find physical activity to be helpful for myself when I am angry or upset - and it is very grounding.  I would recommend an Earth meditation but I do not know if it would be helpful for you.  Have you tried St. Johns Wort for the depression?  If not, you should check with your doctor first because it interacts with some medicines.
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Blessings,
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BronwynWolf

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2012, 09:49:34 AM »

As the others have pointed out, there ARE Warrior Paths out there, within the framework of many Traditions. I am far more a Warrior than the "Fluffbunny White-Lighter New Age Indigo Child"...in fact, I have a very low tolerance for the neo-Pagans who insist everyone could just get along if they'd only try.

*Focus that rage into something creative. Paint/draw or write it out... doesn't matter if the result is dark and disturbing. It's coming from a dark place.
*LOOK for the good parts of your life. Not life in general; YOUR life. This can be easier than you think. It can be a simple as being able to get out into the wild, or only take a look at those who love us. Those of us with children, be those children 2 legged, 4 legged or winged: There is beauty right there. (Yeah, we can get frustrated or worried, but there is nothing more beautiful to me than my daughter's smile, or a riotous welcome from my 4-footed "sister")
*Meditate. It isn't always easy, but don't stop trying. Try to find where these darker feelings are coming from.
*Try a ritual of release. Find an ugly stone, hold it in your hand and envision all those dark, dangerous thoughts flowing from you into the stone. Then throw the stone away: into a river, or bury it.
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Ghost Wolf

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2012, 12:30:22 PM »

I am far more a Warrior than the "Fluffbunny White-Lighter New Age Indigo Child"...in fact, I have a very low tolerance for the neo-Pagans who insist everyone could just get along if they'd only try.


:yeahthat:
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3rdI

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2012, 02:53:27 PM »

Rage/Violence issues can be difficult to overcome because honestly on some level we like it. There is a feeling of strength, a dissolving of fear, and a creation of iron willpower that comes with rage. Violence is also a powerful ,wild and free thing to our minds. The key to overcoming it is letting yourself feel weak for a time before you can learn to feel strong without rage and destruction all the time. This is not a creed of non-violence, getting pissed and getting in a fight is alright. But those feelings filling your mind constantly? That is nothing but damaging. At least this is how I experienced it and got it under control. You may have something entirely different going on.
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earthmuffin

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2012, 08:22:38 PM »

If you feel broken or like a part of you is missing, I'd try a spiritual healer like a shamanic practitioner-- perhaps consider if soul retrieval might be appropriate.

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VanWeyden

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2012, 10:09:35 PM »

Thanks for all the replies.

I like the idea of the Warrior archetype.  I guess I have been a little too close to the "fluffy bunny, white lighter" crowd.  Typically, there are nearly combative results when the subject is brought up.  What disturbs me is that the elders of my strange little group associate Warrior-type things with misogyny.  This is not something that I feel, but I fear that something as volatile as my demon may morph into something equally evil.
I'm not a terribly spiritual person.  I like intricate and accurate theology with just enough "static" in the air to let you know you're doing it right.  These "fluffy bunnies" have introduced me to visions and other things I had only secretly hoped for.  The only conclusion I can logically draw from this is that they are using only a portion of the True Religion. 
I have meditated and thought on this for some time since I posted the original question.  I think my answer is that I must move on.  If something is out of order (probable), then it would be addressed as a matter of course.  If something is not (possible), then it would not be condemned.  Apathy cannot be the wisdom and experience I am to follow. 
Thank you for helping me put this in words. 
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VanWeyden

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2012, 10:11:38 PM »

I forgot to ask: Which elements would you suggest I work with?  My knee-jerk reaction would be to work with fire to understand and confront, but that seems a lot more stupid now that I say it.  Water's wisdom, perhaps?
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Ghost Wolf

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2012, 10:18:42 PM »

Have you looked into Asatru?
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Crystal Dragon

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2012, 03:38:48 AM »

I forgot to ask: Which elements would you suggest I work with?  My knee-jerk reaction would be to work with fire to understand and confront, but that seems a lot more stupid now that I say it.  Water's wisdom, perhaps?

I think for you air and earth would balance the fire in your soul ... working with earth can have a stabilizing and grounding effect and the air has a power all its own but isn't destructive in the same way fire is.  I think water right now might be a bit too overwhelming as it tends to lead to a lot of emotions and might actually end up creating an imbalance with the fire (water and fire are the two elements I identify most strongly with so I have a little personal experience there).


Have you looked into Asatru?

GW beat me to it ... I agree this path would be something you might want to consider.  ;)
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BronwynWolf

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2012, 08:52:32 AM »

  The only conclusion I can logically draw from this is that they are using only a portion of the True Religion. 

And what "True Religion" would that be?

I realize that you are new to the Pagan thing, but this is something I feel MUST be addressed NOW. Why? Because there is NO such creature as "THE TRUE RELIGION". The gods are as numerous as eras and areas and peoples. The paths are even more numerous. What Path I may walk in Truth is not what someone else does.
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Tirya

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2012, 09:13:33 AM »

 :yeahthat:
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VanWeyden

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2012, 03:11:29 PM »

I have no real experience or education in Asatru.  I will have to check it out.

As for the "True Religion" comment:  Let me clarify.  It is an admittedly obscure reference to St John of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul.  In the book/poem and explanation of it, he describes religion and all spirituality as the attempt of a human to commune with the Divine (A rose by any other name...).  The "True Religion" is no religion- a state in which the human and the Divine are as one and requires no mundane or holy/magickal device to commune.  This entered into my vernacular a couple years ago when my teacher introduced it.  I typically don't use it in public conversation, because pagans/witch/etc dislike the idea of a Catholic monk and Christians dislike the idea of a heretic.  Just a brain-fart.

The context I was hoping to use it in was that communion (not Eucharist) was not the end goal of that group, but rather the theologies and creeds held greater importance and gain idol status to detract from this, what I consider to be the sole venture.  However, I was also attempting to remark that they had some stuff right.

I'm not in any place to judge elders, and that is not my purpose here.  That sounds harsh, but the intent was to say that I should keep the good and throw out the "bad" (perhaps that which I do not yet understand?).  I use a sort of process of elimination for my personal needs, but I am not trying to direct.  Hell, I'm lost.

That's long-winded, but I feel that is important enough of a matter to clarify.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should proof-read your posts...
Thanks again for your help!
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BronwynWolf

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2012, 05:02:35 PM »

Clear as mud. Sorry.

There is a difference between "religion" and "spirituality", IMO. I don't need any device to commune with my gods; I just need to listen. That connection is spirituality. It is PART of my Path. It is not the whole of it. I am of this world, and have lessons to learn and tasks to complete in this go-round that are also part of this path. I don't see communing with the gods as the be-all end-all of my Path. I see personal growth as the goal.
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VanWeyden

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Re: Love and Light
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2012, 08:23:44 PM »

fair enough.  As I said, I am very junior and not in a place to judge (nor do I wish to be in that place).  Once again, I'm not starting a crusade- just stumbling along my own path.
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