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Author Topic: Even more frustration  (Read 1735 times)

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rainshadow

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Even more frustration
« on: October 14, 2012, 10:18:35 AM »

You guys have read the post(s) about my mom and how  :crazy: she can be. If you read my last post, you know we haven't spoken in two months (to the day actually). Well... we spoke today... she was non-stop texting me, which I apparently didn't block even though I blocked her calls, so I broke down and called her.

She was pleasant... and there came a point in the conversation where she told me that basically everything she yelled at me about last time (somehow even my aunt being responsible for my uncle's death) was because I was a pagan and didn't believer in her God. She said that her and my step-dad had a large problem with it and that while they would try to do the best they could to tolerate it, they weren't going to make any promises. Then they brought up Satan and how my oldest brother (who has borderline personality disorder and is a bit screwed up in the head, I have no contact with him because of some of the things he's done to me) worshipped Satan and all this other crap... I told her I didn't believe in Satan and that I don't hurt anyone with what I do and she said to leave it alone and they would do their best not to bring it up. I finally had one last say in the issue and told her that I didn't understand how she raised me in the way that she did (to love everyone, respect everyone, be kind to strangers, don't judge other people because they are different, etc.) and had me around the people she did growing up (some of her friends are pagan, gay, bi, lesbian, etc.), yet still found me to be the intolerable one. I just don't get it, and instead of giving me an answer, she said to let it go. I respect that... I mean, I've never willingly brought the topic up to her... didn't tell her for years that I was a pagan and the only reason she found out was because of my aunt who was on my FB page and ever since then, it's become a hot issue for her. I told her I didn't really think it was fair that she told me she accepted me and loved me no matter what when she found out, but yet threw it in my face every time I turned around. She just kept saying she was sorry, that she raised me "better than that" and that she would do her best not to say anything more to me. Then of course, she said her favorite thing and told me to, "put down the tarot cards and pick up a bible" before we got off the phone.

It's just really frustrating me. I seriously feel like I'm being abandoned and disowned because she can't accept me for who I am. Short of calling me an abomination, I think she said everything that she could say about the subject... my in-laws, who are very strict Christians, accept me more than my own mother does. It just sucks and I want to go kick dirt and cry about it... stupid, I know... but it's incredibly frustrating. I don't think I've ever been this frustrated in my life. I think that it goes back to how she's always been though, and that's one day, she's fine, the next day she hates everyone, then goes back to being fine again... she's bipolar and I think has narcissistic personality disorder on top of her other issues, so that explains the roller coaster, I just don't understand why I have to be her scapegoat  :hairpull:
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rainshadow

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2012, 10:19:24 AM »

Sorry for the typos and misspells... too tired to fix them after working all night :(
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I cannot wait for a saviour, my angel is long gone
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Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
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BronwynWolf

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2012, 10:52:23 AM »

{{{{{{{{{{{Rain}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's hard. The whole "Put down the tarot cards and pick up the Bible" may be an ingrained habit with her by now. She says she'll do her best not to bring up the subject, yet she does every time she says that. If you need to cry about it, go ahead and cry... then go right out and live YOUR life the way that is right for you. You can't change her, honey. As you said, she has issues. You are the scapegoat BECAUSE you are her daughter. Sad but true. Those who are closest to a person with issues become the biggest target because at the back of their mind, the one with issues thinks no matter what they do, their own blood will always love them.
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vordan

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2012, 11:40:00 AM »

Those we love have the greatest ability in our lives to be both hurt by us and to hurt us.
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earthmuffin

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2012, 12:26:45 PM »

 :grouphug: Even as a adults, we still all crave unconditional love from our parents. Sometimes they aren't capable or are only capable to a degree and we have to learn to give it to ourselves. Way easier said than done, I know.

Maybe "let it go" can be your mantra to yourself when you feel yourself being bothered by something she has said. Alternatively, you could say "I know you're worried about me, mom, but I assure you I am still the kind, good person you raised me to be" whenever she said drop the Tarot and pick up the Bible.  It's like with kids, when they want to be heard, they just scream and fuss louder when you tell them they are wrong or jump in and tell them how to fix things. If you acknowledge their feelings and they feel heard, they calm down and stop arguing with you. Your mom is fearful and worried about you even if her reasons make no sense from your viewpoint. If you acknowledge her worry, what does she have to argue with you about?


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Crystal Dragon

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2012, 03:29:49 PM »

 :squeezes:

Is your mom on medication?  If yes, does she take it regularly?  That may be exacerbating things.

Short of that, it sounds to me like your mom is also confused.  In the past you've allowed her to ramble on while you either put up with, or reacted to her rants.  As you are growing, and deciding not to deal with that anymore, she's still trying to get the same reactions ... it's a form of control.  When what has worked int he past no longer works, she's getting somewhat desperate in her attempts to re-establish that control which is why she keeps bringing up things she's said she'll "try" not to bring up.  Your relationship is changing as you change and grow and she (like most people) doesn't like the change and is unconsciously reacting to that.

If you can manage to keep your cool and be firm in how you deal with her, the behavior patterns will change but it will take time.
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rainshadow

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2012, 04:37:42 PM »

:squeezes:

Is your mom on medication?  If yes, does she take it regularly?  That may be exacerbating things.

Short of that, it sounds to me like your mom is also confused.  In the past you've allowed her to ramble on while you either put up with, or reacted to her rants.  As you are growing, and deciding not to deal with that anymore, she's still trying to get the same reactions ... it's a form of control.  When what has worked int he past no longer works, she's getting somewhat desperate in her attempts to re-establish that control which is why she keeps bringing up things she's said she'll "try" not to bring up.  Your relationship is changing as you change and grow and she (like most people) doesn't like the change and is unconsciously reacting to that.

If you can manage to keep your cool and be firm in how you deal with her, the behavior patterns will change but it will take time.

She's on more medications than I can count. She admitted to me a few months before things blew up that she had a pill addiction problem and was in therapy, but it wasn't really helping (she was also losing her house, filing bankruptcy, and going through numerous other issues... but when things get too much for her to handle, she takes it out on me or my siblings, and that I don't agree with). I have put up with her abuse for many years in a very passive way, letting her say/do what she wanted without really any fight because I learned early on at a young age that if I fought back verbally/physically, it would be more damaging for me in the end. So, I stuffed all these feelings and resentments for years, and now I'm in therapy (big shocker, huh?) to deal with it.

I'm just to the point where I'm done... I'm not obviously going to get anywhere even if I do try to explain to her that I don't practice a "violent/evil/insert whatever stereotypical bad word you want" here spiritual path, and I think the fact that I'm not really responding to her bothers her.

I had a long conversation with one of her best friends (who is like an aunt to me) and who has known her since before I was born shortly after posting this and according to her, whenever she has talked to my mom lately, she goes off on these religious tangents and her bursts of mania are getting worse... she'll skip from topic to topic to topic, most of the time about God, and then ramble on about things that make no sense... personally, I think that all of this religious stuff going on with her is her way of trying to face the fact that she isn't in good health and is trying to come with whatever terms she has to to be at peace with herself. Do I think she should push all this religious talk on others (myself included) and tell everyone they are wrong and going to the hell that she believes in? Not really. But it kind of makes sense to me, I just wish she weren't so fanatical about it.

Like I said, my biggest problem is the fact that she raised me to be a kind, loving, gentle person despite the abuse and horrible things she's done over the years, I don't like hurting people, I don't like getting in people's way, I don't really like to speak unless I'm spoken to (or have to), I just simply don't like to mess with other people and I'm fairly reserved about certain things when it comes to letting people into my world because people as a whole tend to judge others so quickly. She raised me this way and then she condemns me for it. She condemns me yet she has friends that are pagan (one of her best friends was a Cherokee Native American who believed in an earth based religion), gay, bi, etc. I know I'll never have a mother, at least, not the bond that should be there by "normal" standards... I read a book that my therapist recommended about being raised by a narcissistic mother and it said you don't have to forgive them, you don't have to forget what they've done to you, but it explains ways to make it more tolerable and understandable. A lot of it clicked, but it doesn't really stop the hurting. I just have to accept that she's a splash of crazy with an addiction issue and her mental health is deteriorating as much as her physical health... doesn't mean I have to suffer through her abuse any longer though.

It's just sad. I'm envious of women I know that have amazing relationships with their mothers. I'll never have that and it kind of sucks. :(
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I cannot wait for a saviour, my angel is long gone
-Lacuna Coil
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
-Helen Keller

Crystal Dragon

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2012, 06:22:59 PM »

 :squeezes:

It does suck.

My mother has a lot of issues and has chosen not to speak to me for the last 12 years because I told her I wasn't going to play her games anymore.  It doesn't matter that I did so nicely, without judgement and as much compassion as I could muster.  She just doesn't want to change and has tried to punish me for refusing to deal with the crap she wants to spew about.  But as much as it sucks not having a mother I'm close to, I feel sorry for her that she's chosen to throw away the opportunity to be a wonderful person and let go of the negativity she chooses to keep in her life.

Your situation is a bit more difficult though ... with an illness like your mom has it's important to keep it managed through medications or other means.  I hope for both your sake that she is able to get the help she needs.
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vordan

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Re: Even more frustration
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2012, 09:35:42 PM »

May we carry the good of our parents not their bad, my father had his serious faults but I still miss him, he has been gone many years.
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