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Author Topic: Had to get this out...advice?  (Read 1797 times)

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moonlily

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Had to get this out...advice?
« on: January 13, 2013, 12:04:10 PM »

Okay, so a little back story. I have gone to a Catholic School my entire life and I have always felt different about religion, I met my now husband there and his parents are strict Catholics, which has raised some issues, but I have never hid how I felt about religion, my beliefs or their beliefs. I was actually put with the same religion teacher almost every year because he loved the discussions I would bring up and said it helped him prove his faith to himself. I still keep in touch with him.
 
 My husband and I got married this past June, it was suppose to be July of 2011, but deployments (my husband was in the Marines) and other issues had us pushing it back. One of the issues was about the venue of the wedding. My husband is very accepting of my beliefs he doesn't judge me and likes to learn and have discussions with me. He is a very scientific thinker. He also feels like he has to make up to his mother for his choice to join the military. His mother stopped talking to him for two weeks when he signed up. Anyway, We wanted to get married outside at a plantation a couple of hours away from our home town. We loved they idea of being outside, they had "hugging oaks" in which the branches from two trees had  gotten intertwined and formed a lovely space for the ceremony. We had talked to both sets of parents about it, and they were both very excited, we toured the area and started making plans.

When he found out he was getting deployed we pushed it back to Oct of 2011, the venue was fine with it as we had not filled out any contracts as it was still early this was around Oct 2010. I was very excited that it would be in October, I love fall and the month in particular. His mother called me while he was deployed and told me she wanted to talk to me. I went to their house, expecting it to be the normal, I miss him lets cry meeting. She sat me down and told me that she had decided that she could not let her son go to hell for me. That she would not allow her son to get married outside of the church. That her son was a "good boy" and that his love for me was clouding what was right. She went as far as to say she would tell family members not to go to the wedding if it wasn't in the church. I was completely shocked and stunned by the entire conversation. I was also very angry that she decided to tell me this when I had no way of just calling my husband, and she knew that I wouldn't bring it up on one of the very short phone calls I got, as I didn't want to upset him. When he came home he let me read a letter she had written to him about what she referred to as the "wedding issue" and she didn't understand why I couldn't stop being ridiculous about the whole thing and just get married in the church. Long story short, we did get married in a church, however, it was not a mass and it was done by a Decon, who also happens to be a friend of my family. (i'll save the long drawn out fighting part of the story)

No that we are married the issue of children is being raised, because my husbands brother recently had a child. They had originally not wanted to have a baptism because they are not longer practicing and felt it was wrong. However, after he pestering they finally gave in. After the whole wedding issue, which still gets under my skin, I do not want to compromise again. I still feel a little upset about the way the wedding went, but to even bring up this issue right now, when we haven't even decided if we want children yet is annoying... Any advice on what I can say to atleast hold of the argument until its a little more relevant?
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dragonspring

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2013, 12:12:40 PM »

Not really sure who you are arguing with on this issue.  You and your husband are married and need to decide for yourselves how you want to handle the issue of children.  I would say that dealing with it among yourselves and having a unified position would be advisable - the sooner the better.  The mother-in-law needs to butt out of your marriage and if your husband does not agree, I would suggest some serious discussion on the matter.  I certainly wouldn't argue with her about it.
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moonlily

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2013, 12:35:06 PM »

My husband and I have both spoken to her about it. We have told her it is our decision on how we raise our children and what we do together. She is bringing up not wanting to see our child, and not inviting us to other family gatherings. Which I know takes a lot on my husband because he is very family orientate, i'm not close to anyone in my family and havent been. Its just annoying
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earthmuffin

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2013, 01:25:34 PM »

First off,  :grouphug: because it sounds like really crummy situation to be in with the MIL, especially for your husband. The reality is that you all will never feel good about the relationship with his mother if you feel coerced into doing things and making major life decisions because of her wants and threats. I would probably tell her this at some point, but with both of you together united as couple. It's adamant that you and your husband are on the same page on how to deal with this. If she doesn't want to see her grandkids because of your choices, that's very sad, but something you all may have to deal with. I guess if it were me, I wouldn't cave on doing things my and my husband's own way, but I would always keep extending her the opportunity to be involved in our and our children's lives because it wouldn't be us wanting the cutoff and perhaps she would eventually come around. Sounds like she needs to discuss her feelings with her priest and see what he thinks about cutting off her kids and grandchildren. ;)
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moonlily

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2013, 02:10:41 PM »

Thanks :D. We've both told her that when the situation gets closer we'll be happy to discuss it with her. She just keeps pushing and my hubby is getting annoyed. The whole thing just gets under my skin, because I feel like she things that if she nags enough she'll get her way. They stopped by for lunch today, that's what spawned the post, but we'll see them later tonight. I'll try and suggest that she think on the issue before she discusses it with us again.

thanks everyone  ()
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Mongo

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2013, 04:54:47 AM »

She "won" on her emotional blackmail once and that's your hardest obstacle. She won once and she thinks that if she badgers enough...she'll win again and will likely keep badgering you and your husband.

DO NOT GIVE IN.

If you do one this...forget it. You'll likely forever be under her thumb and she'll know it. So do not give in. Stand united on this and tell her as a partnered, married couple that things are going to be done your way and not hers. Be polite, be civil but be firm. This is a line drawn in the sand. She needs to butt the hell out.

Now. If she does make good her threat to not want to see her grandchildren...be evil. Be very evil. Keep sending pictures of the children to her. Keep showing her what she's missing out on. She'll either relent and give in (in which then you have won...just don't gloat...publicly) or she'll show her true colors and stick to her guns and be all butt hurt that she can't control every minute of your lives.

Something that this woman doesn't seem to understand is that children are to be raised to leave the nest. That all we teach them is designed to allow them to be able to have families of their own and start their own lives. This woman does not seem to understand that fact and seems hell bent for leather to keep her darlin' boy...well as her "darlin' boy" and not let him go.

It's not going to be easy but there it is. Stand united, stand strong and stay civil. You don't want to damage the possibility of reconciliation in the future if she relents.
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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2013, 07:34:07 AM »

You've got a rough road ahead. By letting her win on the wedding, she will expect to keep winning. And if you and your husband to not put an end to it NOW, then the problem will fester and grow, possibly to the point she destroys your marriage. It isn't about religion, although that is the excuse she is giving. It is about CONTROL.

You and hubs need to decide together how to cut that line, then face her together and CUT IT. She raised a thinking human being, so the fact he can now make his own choices shouldn't shock her...but I am betting she still sees him as a child. She needs to see both of you as adults, no longer extensions of herself.
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dragonspring

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2013, 03:17:50 PM »

I have been thinking about this problem and was wondering how the rest of hubby's family feels.  Do they enjoy having her control their lives or do they hold some resentment?  Just thinking that you might have some allies against her manipulative nature.  I mean, you could have family events at your house and let her sit at home alone if she sticks to her threats.
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moonlily

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2013, 02:42:38 PM »

Thanks for the advice!  I knew the wedding thing would only make things worst, but at the time it seems like it was a good compromise. We sat down with her at dinner the other night and the subject did come up, and we both stated that we would do what we thought was right for our child when the time was right... basically she went into this big I turned her baby boy against her with my "ways" (not sure what that was directed at). He looked at her and basically explained that the only one causing problems was her and her constantly trying to undermine my and his choices. That he had read the letters that she had wrote to me. He told her that we were going to make our own decisions and that she could either understand that or learn to live with it. I also told her that I in no way have ever tried to steal him from her and that on many occasions like the wedding, I gave up things I wanted because he wanted to make her happy. She was not happy at all that we decided to "attack her", but understood, how as newly weds we needed to venture out and make mistakes, but she would always be there to helps us when we needed it...


to be it was small victory because he actually said something, besides just agreeing with me..


I have talked to him about if she does decide to make good on her threats and he said we would still send out individual invites to anything we planned and they could make their own decisions on if they want to listen to his mother


Thanks everyone  ()
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Tirya

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Re: Had to get this out...advice?
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2013, 11:40:23 PM »

That's great that you presented her with a united front and that he did a lot of the talking so she couldn't claim you were "not letting him talk". Good for both of you for working together on this!
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