Pagan Journeys > In the Broom Closet

At a loss for words

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rainshadow:
Thanks DS and CD. And I do feel like I'm holding onto some anger... which is one reason I'm going to therapy, to muddle through this mess and try to undo my life's negative emotional programming. I don't hate her, but there are times when I resent her because she'll never fess up. She's apologized immensely to my little sister (my brothers really aren't in the picture) and told her that she could have been a better mother, but I haven't heard a word of it, and it hurts. A lot. I'm the only person out of my siblings and I that really made something of myself/applied myself, and I'm not saying that to compare, I'm saying it because I'm her one kid that didn't screw up, so maybe she feels like she doesn't need to apologize for hurting me the way that she has because I turned out okay?

I think I'm just not going to call her for a few days... give my mind time to process this and see how I'm going to deal with it. I didn't know this would put such anxiety on me really, over three simple words, that my mother said. I usually talk to her every morning after work just to say hey and I love you. So I'm gonna give it a break and see what happens.

Crystal Dragon:
 :squeezes:

If I may?  My guess is that your mother "apologizing" is a means of exerting control over your siblings.  But if she senses (unconsciously) that you won't respond in a manner beneficial to her there would be no point in doing so with you. 

My mother spends so much time and energy manipulating others to make herself feel better it's baffling ... if she were to spend that much effort attempting to actually get along with everyone she could do amazing things.  And I simply do not have the capacity to understand how a mother can choose to ignore a child instead of working on repairing the relationship.

So I eventually realized that I cannot change who she is, and had to accept that she is as flawed (or perhaps moreso) as the rest of us.  Forgiveness can be hard when the other party is unwilling to discuss the hurts, but forgiving our parents for being flawed and unable to see it is something I've found essential in my own growth.

BronwynWolf:

--- Quote from: Crystal Dragon on August 06, 2012, 03:09:44 AM --- :squeezes:

If I may?  My guess is that your mother "apologizing" is a means of exerting control over your siblings.  But if she senses (unconsciously) that you won't respond in a manner beneficial to her there would be no point in doing so with you. 

My mother spends so much time and energy manipulating others to make herself feel better it's baffling ... if she were to spend that much effort attempting to actually get along with everyone she could do amazing things.  And I simply do not have the capacity to understand how a mother can choose to ignore a child instead of working on repairing the relationship.

So I eventually realized that I cannot change who she is, and had to accept that she is as flawed (or perhaps moreso) as the rest of us.  Forgiveness can be hard when the other party is unwilling to discuss the hurts, but forgiving our parents for being flawed and unable to see it is something I've found essential in my own growth.

--- End quote ---
BINGO!

I know how blessed I am that I did NOT have to deal with that from my parents. I had my own issues with a few relatives growing up, and I had to make the choice to STOP letting them affect me. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have the life I have now, and I'd be one totally screwed up mess.

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