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Love and Light

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VanWeyden:
Dumb Question:
I haven't seen this one so far.
Where does all this joy and peace come from?  I've been at this for close to 2 years and haven't felt any sort of overwhealming peace.  In fact, I think I may be "broken" in some sense of the word.  Instead of feelings of happy coexistence, I typically feel ready to do something, go fight a battle, or "take the hill".  It is a little hard to explain, but I suppose it could be described as being highly motivated to justly do harm to one's enemies.
Of course, there is no room for that in pagan/wicca/witch/etc.
If I am good at one thing, it is controlling unruly emotions.  The problem lies in their frequency.  Surely something is out of order if I look eagerly for death in those I label enemies, give everything I have in this world for the chance of a taste of that finality (long story, but it was with the military and perfectly legal.  also didn't happen.), or mentally torture people. 
Obvious things I have tried:
Depression- "treated" by suppliments of both serotonin and tryptophan.  Results were inconclusive. 
Jesus- I don't know if I'm just off my rocker, but my tolerance for Jewish zombies has diminished significantly.
Elders- My elders have suggested that I should try to ground.  It doesn't work/ I don't work.  (I'm also afraid that if I tell them, they will shun me.  Then I would be pissed off, confused, and alone.  Probably  not much happier.)
Shrink- Says I'm perfectly normal besides a Fruedian "seething pot of rage".  Not particularly helpful, but now I can reference it in a textbook.
Get laid- Yes.  It happens.
Entertain it- I've "communed" with bloody soil which has absorbed multiple genocides.  (Didn't help if you were wondering.) I've conducted blood rites and peered into the dark until something peered back.  Nada.

Has anyone else been so broken to be a sham to the world they want to belong to?  Any cures out there?  Am I just screwed?
So far, the only reprieve is a mantra.  This emotion returns as soon as I stop.

Crystal Dragon:
Not sure if I can be of much help, but I do have some thoughts/comments on what you've stated here.


--- Quote from: VanWeyden on August 18, 2012, 05:05:25 PM ---Where does all this joy and peace come from?

--- End quote ---

Peace/love/joy does exist in the Universe, but it's not always obvious and we humans aren't always able to connect with it.



--- Quote from: VanWeyden on August 18, 2012, 05:05:25 PM ---Of course, there is no room for that in pagan/wicca/witch/etc.

--- End quote ---

I'm not sure where you've gotten your information, but Paganism does not mean zero violence, no vengeance, or that one must be a passive doormat.

Without knowing more about who you are as a person, or how long you've had these feelings/emotions, it's almost impossible to offer suggestions or advice.  Perhaps working with the elements could help you bring some balance into your life.  Have you tried channeling your aggressive emotions into something productive instead of trying to put a damper on them?

vordan:
The world is full of pain nothing in paganism denies that. The talk about positive thoughts, feeling and actions is to try and balance all that bad stuff. For the bad energies there are positive energies, birth for death, laughter for tears, love for hate. Hatred and anger while it can keep you alive can also eat you up like a meth addiction. Sometimes our pain is like a collection of very nasty bitter brown stamps that we take out and lick for sick pleasure. The Gods and Godesses are often figures of transformation of changing things into a new form. The dead things in the soil feed the flowers. Try and find a way to grow something good from all the dung. I used to be filled with rage and pain when young, I did martial arts, worked out did art or poetry. I still try to find balance to all the bad things.

dragonspring:
My first thought: have you ever considered a "Warrior" path in paganism?  Not all Pagans are passive and peace-seeking.

I would agree that channeling your anger into constructive activities would be helpful.  I find physical activity to be helpful for myself when I am angry or upset - and it is very grounding.  I would recommend an Earth meditation but I do not know if it would be helpful for you.  Have you tried St. Johns Wort for the depression?  If not, you should check with your doctor first because it interacts with some medicines.

BronwynWolf:
As the others have pointed out, there ARE Warrior Paths out there, within the framework of many Traditions. I am far more a Warrior than the "Fluffbunny White-Lighter New Age Indigo Child"...in fact, I have a very low tolerance for the neo-Pagans who insist everyone could just get along if they'd only try.

*Focus that rage into something creative. Paint/draw or write it out... doesn't matter if the result is dark and disturbing. It's coming from a dark place.
*LOOK for the good parts of your life. Not life in general; YOUR life. This can be easier than you think. It can be a simple as being able to get out into the wild, or only take a look at those who love us. Those of us with children, be those children 2 legged, 4 legged or winged: There is beauty right there. (Yeah, we can get frustrated or worried, but there is nothing more beautiful to me than my daughter's smile, or a riotous welcome from my 4-footed "sister")
*Meditate. It isn't always easy, but don't stop trying. Try to find where these darker feelings are coming from.
*Try a ritual of release. Find an ugly stone, hold it in your hand and envision all those dark, dangerous thoughts flowing from you into the stone. Then throw the stone away: into a river, or bury it.

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