Dumb Question:
I haven't seen this one so far.
Where does all this joy and peace come from? I've been at this for close to 2 years and haven't felt any sort of overwhealming peace. In fact, I think I may be "broken" in some sense of the word. Instead of feelings of happy coexistence, I typically feel ready to do something, go fight a battle, or "take the hill". It is a little hard to explain, but I suppose it could be described as being highly motivated to justly do harm to one's enemies.
Of course, there is no room for that in pagan/wicca/witch/etc.
If I am good at one thing, it is controlling unruly emotions. The problem lies in their frequency. Surely something is out of order if I look eagerly for death in those I label enemies, give everything I have in this world for the chance of a taste of that finality (long story, but it was with the military and perfectly legal. also didn't happen.), or mentally torture people.
Obvious things I have tried:
Depression- "treated" by suppliments of both serotonin and tryptophan. Results were inconclusive.
Jesus- I don't know if I'm just off my rocker, but my tolerance for Jewish zombies has diminished significantly.
Elders- My elders have suggested that I should try to ground. It doesn't work/ I don't work. (I'm also afraid that if I tell them, they will shun me. Then I would be pissed off, confused, and alone. Probably not much happier.)
Shrink- Says I'm perfectly normal besides a Fruedian "seething pot of rage". Not particularly helpful, but now I can reference it in a textbook.
Get laid- Yes. It happens.
Entertain it- I've "communed" with bloody soil which has absorbed multiple genocides. (Didn't help if you were wondering.) I've conducted blood rites and peered into the dark until something peered back. Nada.
Has anyone else been so broken to be a sham to the world they want to belong to? Any cures out there? Am I just screwed?
So far, the only reprieve is a mantra. This emotion returns as soon as I stop.