diniesaur,
I'm Vision's wife. I never really comment on anything, but I think it would help if you heard from someone who's been where you are.
I don't talk about what happened; you're miles ahead of me there. I know how you feel-- the resentment, the guilt, the feeling that a smarter person would never have let it happen. I know what it's like to sit and replay every moment in your head, trying to figure out when things changed.
I stayed because it was just one time. And then I stayed because he was having a hard time at work. And then I stayed because it wasn't always bad. And then I stayed because I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to leave.
It sounds so cliche. I felt like a lifetime movie. I felt like my pain was different, and I deserved it for being so stupid, so naive.
The worst part, the horrible part, the part that makes me cry today, 7 years later...is missing him. Missing the good times. Missing our first kiss. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.
There's no denying the way it changes you. Vision helped me to get away from him, and for awhile, I was terrified that Vision would change, too. That I'd be stuck again.
Nightmares are hard. Regrets are hard. Trusting that a hug won't turn into rape is hard.
One day you'll wake up and it won't hurt so much. You'll realize that you haven't thought about him in awhile. After a time, the hard, angry shell will start to melt away, and you'll have to figure what sort of armor you're going to wear now.
My armor is joy. Every second that I'm happy is a second that he didn't steal away. When I smile, it's a big "f--- you" to the jerk that made me cry.
You will be ok. It may not be tomorrow, but you will be ok. Get angry. Indulge in rage, because it's a fire that will sear your wounds and help them close.
Trust in YOU, because YOU had the strength to get away. Never, ever forget that he may have tried to kill you, but he didn't. You lived. In sheer defiance, you lived. There is nothing that you can't do, because you lived.
I am so, so proud of you (complete stranger that I am). I believe in you.
Take care,
MrsV