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Author Topic: Need help getting over things...  (Read 19943 times)

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diniesaur

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Need help getting over things...
« on: October 22, 2011, 08:23:33 PM »

I have a lot of really supportive friends. In  order to not make them get tired of my whining, I have decided to whine to you for a while--I hope that's okay.

I would probably be doing better if I had seen my psychologist last week, but she cancelled the appointment. I've been going through stages of dealing with my relationship with my ex; for about a year, I was in denial--I still trusted him and thought he hadn't tried to kill me. Then, I went through fear, and now I'm going though Anger. It's a sick, anxious, tortured kind of anger, and I want to have a way to relieve it.

I can't tell you everything that happened, but I can tell you that my ex pressured me into doing sexual things I didn't want to do. Just recently, I started to tell people what those things were. I can also tell you that he tried to distance me from my family and friends, and my relationship with my mom will never be the same again because of this. He also tried to kill me, and it seems like he was doing this to satisfy some sick fetishes. I didn't want to die. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be alive if I weren't stronger than him.

Now, I've found evidence that he's trying to do the same thing to other people that he did to me. I can't stand knowing this--I want to help those people, but I don't know who they are and there's probably nothing I can do--not to mention the fact that I would be putting myself in enormous danger. All my friends seem to agree that he's crazy, even some of his former friends. I'm mad at him for what he did to me, and I wish I had never met him. My anger is making it hard for me to do my homework and grow spiritually.

Do you have any suggestions of how I can overcome this anger and focus on the important things in life?
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Tirya

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2011, 08:39:08 PM »

This isn't going to be helpful, and it's probably not going to be what you want to hear, but because you're working with a therapist and have an established relationship with one, no one here should really offer suggestions - you need to call your therapist, so that the advice you are given is in  sync with your treatment and is offered by someone with full knowledge of the situation and your current treatment. It's not that we don't want to help - but this is one of those cases where "outside advice" may end up doing more harm than good in the long run. :grouphug:
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2011, 08:40:41 PM »

I see. I would call my therapist, but I don't have her number--I see her through my college. Maybe I can have a walk-in appointment if I'm still feeling awful by Monday.
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Tirya

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2011, 08:46:15 PM »

I would definitely recommend that - and if nothing else, go into the office and tell them that you're having a hard time and that you really need to talk to someone... hopefully they can help, even if your regular therapist isn't available.

None of us here are professionals, and it sounds like you're dealing with some really heavy and serious issues. I would just hate for someone to give you advice here that ends up making things worse for you instead of better. :(
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2011, 09:01:11 PM »

That makes sense. Sometimes it's hard for me to know what is just normal bad and what is extremely bad and requires professional help. This is actually a common problem for people with my disability.
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Tirya

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2011, 09:23:56 PM »

I understand - I also understand the desire to seek answers from anywhere you can, especially when you're feeling down or confused or upset. I spent a couple of years in therapy growing up, so I can empathize. Hang in there!!
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Fox

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2011, 12:13:25 AM »

I absolutely agree with everything that Tir said.  Please do talk to your therapist about this.  This is way bigger than what any of us here are really qualified to handle and the last thing we'd ever want to do is cause any more problems for you by offering bad or inappropriate advice.  ()
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2011, 07:08:30 PM »

Thanks. I had a walk-in appointment with someone who is not my regular therapist, and I talked about it. I also have an appointment with my regular psychologist on Thursday.
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earthmuffin

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2011, 08:14:52 PM »

 :cheer:  ()
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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #9 on: October 25, 2011, 09:09:39 PM »

I'm glad you went, hon.  ()
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Tirya

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2011, 09:05:23 AM »

Glad to hear. :) ()
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Rovay

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2012, 01:08:12 AM »

Ouch, that does sound pretty bad. Can't you warn someone about him? Authorities, this type of thing?
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2012, 07:51:21 PM »

Ouch, that does sound pretty bad. Can't you warn someone about him? Authorities, this type of thing?

I just now saw this! Actually, I have warned someone--my mom's friend's husband is a police officer, and he's in contact with the police officers in my ex's town. He told them that if anything suspicious happens in that place they should keep a close eye on it.
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2012, 11:28:19 AM »

A lot of doctors mistake autistic people or people with similar disabilities/differences for sociopaths. They see their strangeness as a sign that something's "wrong." In reality, sociopaths are usually very charismatic and manipulative, like my ex.
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VisionFromAfar

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2012, 04:40:58 PM »

I've split this thread into a new one, because it was de-railing off topic faster than I think proper. I've personally known people (MrsV included) who have been in an abusive situation similar to yours, diniesaur, and I think that shifting the focus of discussion was unfair to you and your asking for help.

I agree with Tirya and EM. I think talking to a professional is the best thing for you at this point, since they have the experience and training needed to truly help you through this. There's only so much moral support and advice one can give and get through the interwebs, no matter how well-intended. We're still here if you need to rant/angry type/vent/ask advice, though.  ()
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2012, 05:05:32 PM »

Thank you for your considerateness! I think I'm getting much better so far, although my mom  and stepdad did just now start playing a video game I associated with my ex...
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2012, 08:33:58 PM »

Argh! I'm feeling resentment torwards my ex! It's distracting me from important things right now, and I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm mad at him for a lot of things...

And there are some things that happened between us that only he and I know. I'm still afraid to tell other people, even my therapist. Some people suspect, but I have denied it. I would be mortified if anyone found out before I was ready, but at the same time, it would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

These things that happened still affect my life today--they affect nearly every aspect of it. I don't want to tell until much later because 1. it's really embarrassing and 2. I want people to trust me. I'm just wondering what it would be like if I just let go, and told someone.

I don't know why this happened to me; I'm too young and stupid to know anything profound. Before my ex tried to kill me, I thought I was all bada**. I thought I had gone through a hard life...but I hadn't. I still haven't. My friends think it's a terrible thing to happen to anyone, and it really is, but I don't see myself as anything special. I don't see why it would have happened to me. I don't feel sorry for myself, because I brought it on myself, but I really don't see why it was me.

No, I don't think I'll tell anyone--not yet. I can't even get the courage to tell people about my recent spiritual experience--not even you guys, who would understand the most. I'm afraid it's somehow invalid. But until I can tell people about these things, which are less secret, I shouldn't be trying to tell people about what happened between my ex and me. I really want to right now, though, even if it would probably only make things worse.

If I told people, it might explain things about me. It would certainly explain some of my struggles I'm facing now, but I'm too afraid to remember that. I'm scared to think about it and what it might mean.

The secret's not really that dark; it's just...crazy. I don't know. Maybe I don't really need to be rambling about this right now. Maybe I just need to write.
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VisionFromAfar

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2012, 09:03:18 PM »

Maybe I just need to write.

And for that, we can certainly be here.

As far as your secret goes, I agree that you shouldn't feel obligated to tell anyone until you think you are ready to share. If it's dragged out of you, no matter how well intentioned, it can lead to new resentment towards whomever it was that dragged it out of you.

One piece of advice I'm perfectly willing to give is...stop thinking this:
...because I brought it on myself...
No matter what he did to you, no matter how much you may have gone along with it, no matter how much you might think that statement is true, it's not. It's obvious he hurt you, and deeply. What he did to you was his choice. You can't take responsibility for something like that. It's hard enough to heal from abuse without taking the blame for being abused as well. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey, and as always, we're here with a cyber-ear ready to listen/read.
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #18 on: February 04, 2012, 09:10:39 PM »

One piece of advice I'm perfectly willing to give is...stop thinking this:
...because I brought it on myself...
No matter what he did to you, no matter how much you may have gone along with it, no matter how much you might think that statement is true, it's not. It's obvious he hurt you, and deeply. What he did to you was his choice. You can't take responsibility for something like that. It's hard enough to heal from abuse without taking the blame for being abused as well. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey, and as always, we're here with a cyber-ear ready to listen/read.

If I were able to cry (I think I messed it up by using throwing up as a coping mechanism for years) I would have cried right then. Thank you for that.

That's a good idea about not sharing until I feel ready.
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MrsV

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #19 on: February 04, 2012, 09:35:27 PM »

diniesaur,
I'm Vision's wife. I never really comment on anything, but I think it would help if you heard from someone who's been where you are.

I don't talk about what happened; you're miles ahead of me there. I know how you feel-- the resentment, the guilt, the feeling that a smarter person would never have let it happen. I know what it's like to sit and replay every moment in your head, trying to figure out when things changed.

I stayed because it was just one time. And then I stayed because he was having a hard time at work. And then I stayed because it wasn't always bad. And then I stayed because I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to leave.

It sounds so cliche. I felt like a lifetime movie. I felt like my pain was different, and I deserved it for being so stupid, so naive.

The worst part, the horrible part, the part that makes me cry today, 7 years later...is missing him. Missing the good times. Missing our first kiss. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

There's no denying the way it changes you. Vision helped me to get away from him, and for awhile, I was terrified that Vision would change, too. That I'd be stuck again.

Nightmares are hard. Regrets are hard. Trusting that a hug won't turn into rape is hard.

One day you'll wake up and it won't hurt so much. You'll realize that you haven't thought about him in awhile. After a time, the hard, angry shell will start to melt away, and you'll have to figure what sort of armor you're going to wear now.

My armor is joy. Every second that I'm happy is a second that he didn't steal away. When I smile, it's a big "f--- you" to the jerk that made me cry.

You will be ok. It may not be tomorrow, but you will be ok. Get angry. Indulge in rage, because it's a fire that will sear your wounds and help them close.

Trust in YOU, because YOU had the strength to get away. Never, ever forget that he may have tried to kill you, but he didn't. You lived. In sheer defiance, you lived. There is nothing that you can't do, because you lived.

I am so, so proud of you (complete stranger that I am). I believe in you.

Take care,
MrsV   

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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #20 on: February 04, 2012, 10:00:35 PM »

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

You do know how I feel. I think about my ex every day--sometimes I miss being held, and other times I'm trying to be strong, and remind myself that I don't need him. Sometimes I'm thinking about the book we tried to write together. Sometimes I wonder if he was telling me the truth, and if everyone else was manipulating me, and not him. I know it's impossible. I know that someone who really loved me wouldn't try to kill me. But I miss the illusion of someone loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.

I hope so much that I'll stop thinking about him a lot some day. I want to move on. I don't want to have this brown gunk inside me. I don't want to have these scars on my arm.

A few months ago, I hacked his OKCupid account--and I made it more accurate. I know it was wrong, and that I should have just left it alone. But he was on there claiming to be a vampire, and claiming that he was "fiercely loyal" to people he "cared about." My friend--his stepbrother--told me it was true; he cared about only himself, and he was only loyal to himself. My ex didn't just hurt me; he hurt my mom, my brother, his stepbrothers, his dad, his stepmom, my friends...I saw that destruction all around me and I wanted to keep it from happening again. I was mad at him. I shouldn't have done it. I need to stay as far away from him as possible.

I don't want to let my anger at him affect other people anymore. I don't take it out on others, but I talk to nearly everyone I know about it. I talk to random people about it if they ask (and somehow they never want to talk to me again...how odd). I joke about it. But I think it's getting on other people's nerves. One of my friends told me she thought we were talking about it too much and wanted us to stop. I handn't realized it at the time, but she's right. I sometimes talk to my therapist about it, but she's still a graduate student, and I'm not sure how qualified she is to be dealing with my issues.

I wish I had hugs. My family hugs me, but no one else does. My friends don't hug me. I'm not sure if it's because I smelll bad or they don't feel comfortable with me or they're afraid to touch my pants or what...but they don't hug me. I wish they did.

Thank you for telling me these things. It helps.
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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2012, 04:34:13 AM »

Very moving reply, MrsV. When I read things like that, I stare sadly at the screen. I so wish the world - the people in the world - were different. Keep smiling.
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Tirya

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2012, 09:15:30 AM »

I wish I had hugs. My family hugs me, but no one else does. My friends don't hug me. I'm not sure if it's because I smelll bad or they don't feel comfortable with me or they're afraid to touch my pants or what...but they don't hug me. I wish they did.

 :grouphug:

I've found that people can be reluctant to give hugs because they don't want to offend the other person, or don't know if the other person would want one, or because they don't want to be rejected if the person DOESN'T want one.

Have you tried telling your friends, "I could really use a hug" and seeing what happens? Sometimes we have to be just that blunt about what we're feeling or what we need. We can't expect others to be mind-readers. I doubt it's because there's anything "wrong with you" - I'd be willing to bet it's more that they're not sure that you'd want them.
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #23 on: February 05, 2012, 10:46:05 AM »

That's a good idea! I will ask one of my best friends for a hug next time I see him--the other ones I don't get to see very often.
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Fox

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #24 on: February 05, 2012, 11:54:18 AM »

 :grouphug:  The things we tell ourselves about the difficult times are sometimes just as bad and damaging as whatever you experienced.  Mrs. V is so very, right.  It is hard to believe, but you are an amazing person for the strength you've showed just by surviving.
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