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White light in a dream with madness to follow

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bearusgregoria:
a thought cant escape my mind as to the events that occured while i dreamt on the night of august 31st 2012. the following morning i felt euphoric. more euphoric than any drug or adrenaline rush i have experienced up to that time. this state remained for 7 full days straight and on the seventh i awoke to an obsession with the numbers 3, 4, and 5 and thought i knew things that no one other than the creator knew. I have never in my wildest dreams thought this to be true until it seemed little things made it in my mind concrete proof that i in fact may have been touched, given a gift perhaps. as i wrote i really thought i may have been given a mission by the creator. when i was finished writing i was convinced that they were puzzles with codes and such only a person of the clergy may be able to understand....i was wrong i made a fool of myself thinking i was something i wasnt. it got me band from a place that once took me in as family in their small congregation. i was told not to return i scared many not knowing what i did wrong. in the end the madness reached its limit and i therefore got committed.. after which i dug terribly into my mind for an answer.. i found the dream that started me on this journey.. i remember a room i was dreaming about much like the one i slept in and then all of a sudden a bright white comforting light filled the consciosuness of my dream.

it came to be i was diagnosed with bi polar with no real answer clinically as to why i felt as i did why the events unfolded as they had. im going on a limb that perhaps maybe someone here can help me because i have always been interested in the pagan faith and it is a path i want to lead but at the same time im torn because of my roots in the christian faith. the answers i have sought have only led to more madness and more questions it may be a selfish request but i need some real insight as to what may have happened and what i shall do from here. i can only hope that the many members of this site may lead me into the direction i seek because my faith in general is dwindling and my spirit slowly re breaking every moment i breathe i pray hard for your help anything at all will be most helpful

Crystal Dragon:
Unlike many groups in the Christian faith, there are no answers to be given here.  Most pagans believe that we much each find our own answers ... through research, meditation, and interacting with our guides and deities.

No one can tell you what you experienced ... you must find your own truth in that.  If you need help with finding your own answers, perhaps a life coach or counselor could assist you with exercises designed to find those internal truths.

earthmuffin:
I have had somewhat of a similar experience to you. CD is correct that only you can decide what the truth is about your experience. But, you will not find a spiritual experience as a possible diagnosis from most mental health professionals. If you do seek further counseling along those lines to try to sort it out, I suggest looking for someone with a balanced view with some background in spiritual crisis counseling or someone more open to other possibilities, even clergy. Otherwise you will likely get more of the same, i.e., here's some drugs for your condition with little helpful discussion about what it could have been, what led you to that state. I'm not saying don't follow your doctors' advice; only maybe look to have an alternative view point as well.

For me, I have spent the last six years pondering my experience. I come from a scientific background rather than a religious one. I read crap loads of books and articles on all sorts of topics looking for an answer. I read scientific ones that sought to explain the chemical aspects of religious experiences and mental illness, anthropological works on the evolution of the god concept, anecdotal stuff and self help (I found Kundalini Rising very interesting, also After the Ecstasy, the Laundry was helpful), and lots of stuff on paganism and spiritual fiction (Life of Pi, The Alchemist). I found these great people on this forum and I stumbled into shamanism.  I talked the ear off my counselor about it for years. I still can't tell you what it was, but I can tell you it wasn't manic depression in my case though they thought it might have been. But I have been forever changed and now I have come to accept what happened. It takes time to come to grips with such a mind blowing and traumatic experience as you have had. I remember feeling like I wanted an explanation and right away-- it really tore at my gut. But it is OK; in time you will get to your truth. What I found most interesting as I researched away was the commonalities between my experience and those of others-- your story is another reminder. I was not alone and neither are you. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, listen to your heart, and give yourself time.

I hope something in what I have said is somehow comforting.

Blessings, EM

bearusgregoria:
thanks em your post gave me a lil bit of closure knowing that its not an unfounded experience i forgot to mention that a year prior on the full moon in OC maryland on a beach i took part in something i didnt understand and asked a question or wish rather in hopes that spirit/ the divine may be of some help. almost precisely a yr later my journey started with that light in my dream. i cant help but believe that the ritual had worked and that my request caught the attention of something in spirit. i am a firm believer of the gods and the one whom created all of existence. i had a local reading done and the psychic told me i was contacted by "the team" im not sure what it means maybe im missing something....

earthmuffin:
I'm not sure what you took part in on the beach, but our guides and their messages are all around us though it's not all total clarity-- most of us operate in sort of a fog with only snatches of insight here and there so I think we all feel like we are missing something a lot of the time. The problem is when you go through an experience when you feel like you have had that clarity and connection to spirit (in shamanism it is called eagle mind)--and I do think it can make you mad when it happens spontaneously-- it is really arduous to go back to your usual mindset. The fog is so much more apparent and the lack of clarity is painful. You may be feeling some of that, even if it your experience was only the result of being bipolar. I've known some bipolar folks and the rush of the manic phase and the rush of a spiritual experience, and the let down after, seem similar though the manic phase is usually accompanied by irritability, from what I know. Even if you aren't bipolar, the trauma of going through what you went through could make you feel that way. However, if that psychic was not a fake and "the team" is real and had a message for you, the answer will unfold if you are open to it. If you are interested in paganism, reading whatever sparks your interest may help. You may find yourself picking up books and having something the author says zing for you and having it lead to other zings in other books or experiences. If your experience was all due to the chemical imbalance in your brain associated with bipolarism then you will likely experience the swings of the highs and lows again in due time-- your body will prove to you if that diagnosis is correct. It's a good idea to read up on that disease as well; it will give you insight into what your experience was or wasn't and really the brain is so fascinating. All you can really do now is wait and see, follow your heart, listen to your body and your doctors' recommendations, pray for guidance and trust you will be led where you need to go. Again, not sure I have helped. I sense you are seeking for someone to say that what you experienced could have been the touch of the divine. It could have as well as it could have been bipolarism manifesting. So I'll ask you the rhetorical question: What does your heart tell you it was?

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