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Problems with visualization... Need Help!

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Athena:
I committed myself to an year and a day of studying just a few months ago. My practice so far has been pretty much limited to affirmations, visualizations, energy transfer and recently light meditation.

About a month ago, I saw an ambulance passing by one early morning when I was on my way to cafeteria just outside my office. I had an overwhelming sense to heal and protect the life in there. Somehow, the intent was so strong that I could not control anything else. In a couple of minutes, I could feel all my 'physical' energy getting drained, flowing in the direction of the ambulance from my palms. There were flashes of white light. And it happened in the middle of the driveway, out in the open. Right after the incident, I felt like I would collapse. The full moon was just two days later and I kind of drew energy from the nature to keep going. However, I fell terribly ill right after the full moon impact was over. And for a month I felt terrible headaches, a sense of depression growing on my nerves, numbness and actual physical pain. I had nightmares and I cried, with or without reason. I could not sleep well and while I have never been afraid of dark, I could not sleep with lights out. It was an awful time.

The only prominent session I remember after the incident is the one where I visualized a huge ancient tree with red and green colored leaves and hanging roots made up of bright white lights. When I tried t hug the tree, I found out that there were roots growing down from my feet and my arms crossed into themselves, like the branches of the tree. I was, indeed the tree I envisioned. And I did not intend to see the tree, it came on its own. Does this have a significance?

In the second session, I sent out an intention of wiping my slate clean to wash away all the pain, depression and suicidal thoughts and to start over. My slate was wiped clean. And ever since, the problem with my visualization began.

It took me long meditative sessions to get back to normal. However, I still feel a bit lost. My visualization was very strong earlier. But now, I can hardly visualize anything. I have to actively guide myself to 'see' things I want to see. While feeling and listening are still okay, the visions are still a point of concern for me. There are many everyday life issues that need my attention and time, but this has got me worrying for real. How do I heal myself completely? How do I strengthen my visualization?

I learnt about shielding after the entire incident. But I could not work on it for a long time. Something or the other kept me tied up and I just could not do it. I am working on it now.

I know it was really really stupid of me to heal somebody when I did not even know how to protect myself, but I don't want to hinder my learning process. I am committed towards being a responsible witch and while material physical concerns bother me like every other human being, my aim for wicca is mostly about healing. Can somebody explain whatever happened and what precautions I should take if I have to heal somebody now before I complete my lessons?

Thanks in advance!

Tinevisce:
Just wanted to pop in here to say that I'm sure the Elders here will have lots of great advice to offer you on this- I've turned to them a lot of times during similar situations, and they've always helped me a great deal.

I don't have enough experience with these things myself to offer you anything more than you probably already know yourself (indiscriminately transferring personal energy to someone else will drain you badly), so I won't bore you with them.

If you're starting to work on shielding, do be careful to not construct the shield using your personal energy- use the energy of the Earth instead. :)

Also, when I went through something similar (i.e. something unpleasant that I could not consciously control or explain, but was affecting me very strongly nonetheless), I found it helped to look within for the answers. To that end, the Tarot helped me tremendously; but that's just the divination method I'm most used to. I'd suggest using something similar, or asking a friend who can.

Also, sometimes, it could just mean that you need to take things slow :) Immerse yourself in the so-called "mundane" life for a bit.


Hope this helps you a tiny bit!

Athena:
Thanks Tinevisce. I agree with whatever you said. And it helps to know that I am not the only one, not the only beginner. I accept that we have to take things slow and enjoy the mundane things.

Thankfully I learnt my lesson about not using my personal energy for healing or shielding. But I need to move past it and go ahead. And I am seeking for answers from those who know already. I know that there won't be specific or singular answers but any indication should help.

dragonspring:
I do not wish to alarm you unnecessarily, but my first impression of what you described is that you experienced a psychic attack while sending out your personal energy without shielding.  Our instinct is for self preservation and once bitten, we tend to avoid what bit us moving forward.  I would suggest that you continue to practice shielding and drawing universal energy (using the tree visualization you described is my go-to method for doing this) and over time your confidence will be such that the visualization returns. 

Athena:
Thanks Dragonspring. I understood it later in my theoretical reading sessions that it was a psychic attack. Is it true that I cannot get back what I gave away that day or what I lost afterwards? Because even though I am strengthening my shield, a part of my which was prominent earlier seems lost still.

The emotional damage was much worse than the physical one and it kind of hampered my personal relationships too badly. My family and the guy I am in love with know a bit about my practice. Thankfully they have been incredibly supportive but they don't understand the intricacies and how deeply it affects all aspects of life. And post the attack, which had me down under for almost a month, a huge rift has been created between us. I am moving miles away from my family. While the initial plan was to move them along with me, it has been stalled now. And the guy I love is tying the knot in December. And it just hurts to lose all of my favorite people, all at once, when my only intent was to give somebody some extra time with their loved ones.

I guess there is no definite question or a definite answer here. But I felt like sharing because finally this is a community where I can expect people to completely understand and accept without judgments. A huge sense of relief washed over me when I joined PJ. Thank you all, and thank you admins!  :grouphug:

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