Pagan Journeys > In the Broom Closet

Even more frustration

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Crystal Dragon:
 :squeezes:

Is your mom on medication?  If yes, does she take it regularly?  That may be exacerbating things.

Short of that, it sounds to me like your mom is also confused.  In the past you've allowed her to ramble on while you either put up with, or reacted to her rants.  As you are growing, and deciding not to deal with that anymore, she's still trying to get the same reactions ... it's a form of control.  When what has worked int he past no longer works, she's getting somewhat desperate in her attempts to re-establish that control which is why she keeps bringing up things she's said she'll "try" not to bring up.  Your relationship is changing as you change and grow and she (like most people) doesn't like the change and is unconsciously reacting to that.

If you can manage to keep your cool and be firm in how you deal with her, the behavior patterns will change but it will take time.

rainshadow:

--- Quote from: Crystal Dragon on October 14, 2012, 03:29:49 PM --- :squeezes:

Is your mom on medication?  If yes, does she take it regularly?  That may be exacerbating things.

Short of that, it sounds to me like your mom is also confused.  In the past you've allowed her to ramble on while you either put up with, or reacted to her rants.  As you are growing, and deciding not to deal with that anymore, she's still trying to get the same reactions ... it's a form of control.  When what has worked int he past no longer works, she's getting somewhat desperate in her attempts to re-establish that control which is why she keeps bringing up things she's said she'll "try" not to bring up.  Your relationship is changing as you change and grow and she (like most people) doesn't like the change and is unconsciously reacting to that.

If you can manage to keep your cool and be firm in how you deal with her, the behavior patterns will change but it will take time.

--- End quote ---

She's on more medications than I can count. She admitted to me a few months before things blew up that she had a pill addiction problem and was in therapy, but it wasn't really helping (she was also losing her house, filing bankruptcy, and going through numerous other issues... but when things get too much for her to handle, she takes it out on me or my siblings, and that I don't agree with). I have put up with her abuse for many years in a very passive way, letting her say/do what she wanted without really any fight because I learned early on at a young age that if I fought back verbally/physically, it would be more damaging for me in the end. So, I stuffed all these feelings and resentments for years, and now I'm in therapy (big shocker, huh?) to deal with it.

I'm just to the point where I'm done... I'm not obviously going to get anywhere even if I do try to explain to her that I don't practice a "violent/evil/insert whatever stereotypical bad word you want" here spiritual path, and I think the fact that I'm not really responding to her bothers her.

I had a long conversation with one of her best friends (who is like an aunt to me) and who has known her since before I was born shortly after posting this and according to her, whenever she has talked to my mom lately, she goes off on these religious tangents and her bursts of mania are getting worse... she'll skip from topic to topic to topic, most of the time about God, and then ramble on about things that make no sense... personally, I think that all of this religious stuff going on with her is her way of trying to face the fact that she isn't in good health and is trying to come with whatever terms she has to to be at peace with herself. Do I think she should push all this religious talk on others (myself included) and tell everyone they are wrong and going to the hell that she believes in? Not really. But it kind of makes sense to me, I just wish she weren't so fanatical about it.

Like I said, my biggest problem is the fact that she raised me to be a kind, loving, gentle person despite the abuse and horrible things she's done over the years, I don't like hurting people, I don't like getting in people's way, I don't really like to speak unless I'm spoken to (or have to), I just simply don't like to mess with other people and I'm fairly reserved about certain things when it comes to letting people into my world because people as a whole tend to judge others so quickly. She raised me this way and then she condemns me for it. She condemns me yet she has friends that are pagan (one of her best friends was a Cherokee Native American who believed in an earth based religion), gay, bi, etc. I know I'll never have a mother, at least, not the bond that should be there by "normal" standards... I read a book that my therapist recommended about being raised by a narcissistic mother and it said you don't have to forgive them, you don't have to forget what they've done to you, but it explains ways to make it more tolerable and understandable. A lot of it clicked, but it doesn't really stop the hurting. I just have to accept that she's a splash of crazy with an addiction issue and her mental health is deteriorating as much as her physical health... doesn't mean I have to suffer through her abuse any longer though.

It's just sad. I'm envious of women I know that have amazing relationships with their mothers. I'll never have that and it kind of sucks. :(

Crystal Dragon:
 :squeezes:

It does suck.

My mother has a lot of issues and has chosen not to speak to me for the last 12 years because I told her I wasn't going to play her games anymore.  It doesn't matter that I did so nicely, without judgement and as much compassion as I could muster.  She just doesn't want to change and has tried to punish me for refusing to deal with the crap she wants to spew about.  But as much as it sucks not having a mother I'm close to, I feel sorry for her that she's chosen to throw away the opportunity to be a wonderful person and let go of the negativity she chooses to keep in her life.

Your situation is a bit more difficult though ... with an illness like your mom has it's important to keep it managed through medications or other means.  I hope for both your sake that she is able to get the help she needs.

vordan:
May we carry the good of our parents not their bad, my father had his serious faults but I still miss him, he has been gone many years.

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