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Author Topic: Need help getting over things...  (Read 713 times)

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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2012, 08:57:21 PM »

I re-read MrsV's reply because I'm having trouble again, and it helped me feel better. But right now, I just don't see how that event will ever go away. I learn, and I laugh, and I pet my cats, and I say inappropriate things, but underneath there's still always the memory of what happened. I will always have those scars on my arm and in my heart. I will never be able to go back and erase what happened. I wish I could get over all those feelings and forget about it, but it's so hard.

I sometimes feel anger at him, and sometimes I miss the illusion that he loved me, and sometimes I feel a sick obsession with finding out all information about him that I can. I wish I didn't feel any of it. I wish I could worry about homework and friends and autism and spirituality and being phallically challenged without having that memory bubbling up from under everything like sick black tar. Sometimes, I'm really, really happy. But it's still always waiting for me when I come back from that happiness, and I can't get rid of it. I wish it never happened.

I wish my friends understood it. I know they don't, and it's not their fault, but it would be nice if they knew. I love them, but they just don't know what to say. One of my friends even told me that we were talking about it too much and that she had been avoiding me because of it. I stopped talking to her about it, but that leaves me alone.

Most of all, I don't want to become like my ex! He was using every little problem he had as a crutch, making it seem like it was the biggest problem in the world and that no one had ever suffered more than he had. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be constantly bringing down people's happiness because of my pain. I remember that no matter how hard I tried to help him, he was always unhappy--until I agreed to go to that hotel. I don't want to become a sick person like my ex. I know I'll never hurt anyone, but I don't want to become a dark pit that sucks out the life and happiness of everyone around me.

My ex really seems like a D&D monster--he's messed up somehow,possibly in pain if he can even feel it, and everywhere he goes he spreads pain to those around him. It seems to be the only thing that gives him joy--other than his strange sexual fetishes.

I guess that's a bit of an exaggeration, but he's messed up, and I don't want him to take advantage of others like he took advantage of his dad and me. He's already got a new boyfriend, and he's autistic, too! From what I've seen, he's treating his boyfriend even worse than he treats me. His fetishes have become more prominent, as well...but I won't even go there. No one should have to hear about that.

I wonder what it would have been like if I had never met my ex. I guess some things wouldn't be as good as they are now--I wouldn't have gotten to live with my dad for a year, which allowed me to bond with him and allowed him to finally believe that I'm autistic; I wouldn't have met a lot of my friends from high school, who I met through my ex; I may have taken longer to find my Pagan path. I guess it's a tradeoff...but it did cause a lot of pain.
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earthmuffin

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2012, 09:24:35 PM »

 :squeezes:
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2012, 09:53:27 PM »

Thank you.
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #28 on: February 12, 2012, 10:07:45 PM »

Oops! I just realized that it's very unfair of me to tell you all these things since you don't know me, so you shouldn't have to be burdened by this. You're all extremely kind, and I thank you for your support. I guess I was telling you these things because it's the closest thing I have to talking to a preacher about it. I should be careful not to take advantage of people's kindness, though.
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VisionFromAfar

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #29 on: February 12, 2012, 10:35:44 PM »

Oops! I just realized that it's very unfair of me to tell you all these things since you don't know me, so you shouldn't have to be burdened by this. You're all extremely kind, and I thank you for your support. I guess I was telling you these things because it's the closest thing I have to talking to a preacher about it. I should be careful not to take advantage of people's kindness, though.
:grouphug: You're silly Dinie. Don't ever feel like you're burdening us with these posts. "Many hands make lighter loads", and all that. I'm going to be presumptuous here and say that none of us mind being a sounding board when you need to get something off your chest, no matter how depressing or rambling it may be. We may not know what (specifically) you have been though, we may not fully understand what you are going through, but we can lend an ear (or an eye, considering the medium here ;)).

Now smile at the happy panda:  :pandadance:
No sad pandas here, right?  :D
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Fox

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #30 on: February 12, 2012, 11:02:49 PM »

Vision is absolutely right.  You do not need to feel bad about posting here.

I wonder if doing some sort of a releasing or cutting of ties ritual would be helpful.  I wish I still had the link to a visualization I did a long time ago that really helped me to start to get past some things that wanted to kind of hold on, but I can't seem to find it.  The gist of it was to imagine strings or lines coming out from your heart that attach you to the people in your life and finding the ones that were "gunked up" so to speak and pulling that string out, removing the attachment, and then focusing on the threads that were vibrant and healthy and feeding energy into those threads.  It was more of an overall "cleaning" of toxic relationships, but I'd be willing to bet if you did something similar with the intent of finding the thread that ties specifically to him and removing just that one string, it wouldn't be such an upheaval that the full visualization can be.

Even if you don't do something like that, but something else that helps you to break the emotional ties you still have to this person would really help.   ()
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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2012, 01:41:51 AM »

Dini, I agree that no one here has any problem if you post about stuff that's bothering you.  If it makes anyone uncomfortable, they have the option to not read the post. ;)

And I agree with Fox.  When I was reading your post I immediately thought that you might be helped by some sort of work to rid yourself of the bad things in the relationship.  Sometimes we need a little boost to get past a sticking point when dealing with things like this.  And you've probably learned all you can from the bad stuff ... but letting go can be tough too.

One of the things I like to do is to burn away the bad stuff.  But I think I remember you saying something about not being able to use incense because of a restriction your mom had on flammables.  Does that count for outside as well?  If you can burn a single paper outside, let me know and I'll post what I've used for getting rid of nasties I didn't want to hold onto anymore.  Otherwise, Foxy's thread cutting visualization is something you could try.

 :grouphug:
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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #32 on: February 13, 2012, 06:39:23 AM »

 :squeezes:

Ditto what the rest have said. Also, and maybe this is because we are older, for the most part...we KNOW bad things happen to good people, and it IS very hard to let go of those things. Rant when you need to.
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #33 on: February 13, 2012, 08:23:07 AM »

Thank you, everyone. I did smile at the happy panda... :pandadance:
And I forgot that people don't have to automatically read something just because I post it. I was afraid I had made another social mistake and hurt people, and I don't want to do that.

I may be able to burn the piece of paper outside--I'll have to ask my mom. In the meantime, I will try that strings visualization. Earlier today, I was worried that I would never have closure about it because it would never be erased. But maybe I don't need it to be erased to feel better. I will definitely try that when I get home, or if my friend lets me in his dorm. I don't want to do it in random public, though, because the people would be distracting. Thank you for the help!
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dragonspring

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #34 on: February 13, 2012, 02:54:46 PM »

Ah sweetie.  Things like that are never erased but you can eventually learn to not let them have any power over you.  It takes time and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.  We are glad to be here and to help in any way we can.  A releasing ritual of some sort would probably help a lot. 
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #35 on: February 13, 2012, 03:13:32 PM »

That would be good. I really want to cry, which would normally be my release, but I can't cry anymore unless my mom is yelling at me. I think this may be because for several years I threw up to numb my emotions instead of letting them out. I'm trying not to do that anymore because a person who did that for ten years told me that it's very bad for organs, and I want my organs to be healthy.

I'm kind of dizzy right now--there's people talking everywhere. I think it would be good if I did a release ritual.
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #36 on: August 11, 2012, 09:47:16 PM »

Hey, I need help again. I'm not sure if it's hormonal problems or what, but I'm feeling it right now...I'm having a bunch of really confusing emotions, especially about "what happened."

I feel mad at myself, and mad at my ex, and sometimes I feel like crying, or yelling, or attacking a hard surface (even though I have nothing against the walls), and I feel sort of abandoned, but I don't know if that's related to the ex thing, and I feel...nothing...and I feel tired, and I feel frustrated with myself...and I feel confused because I don't understand all the emotions! I hate it when I have multiple feelings at one time, especially when I don't know the names of them. Writing about it seems to be making it better for now.

I've been able to not think about my ex so much these days; sometimes, I even go a full day without thinking about him (and that's big). But right now I think I'm having one of those reactions where I get completely obsessed with what happened and I get mad, or I get crazy. Sometimes when it happens I scour the internet to look for information about him, because somehow I get this satisfaction from knowing, especially if it's bad things. I hate myself for that last part, but I have to aknowledge it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever be able to deal with it if he got completely "cured" of whatever's making him like that...and I wonder if I'm ignoring good parts about him because of what happened. I think that's my next step in getting over it--first, I had to acutally aknowledge that he'd done something bad to me, but after that I was so scared. Then, I became angry, and I've been like that for a while, even if I haven't thought about him as much lately. Now, I think I need to find or aknowledge some sort of good part about him, because it doesn't make any sense to me that there would be any living creature that's all bad. I'm not sure if I'm willing to move past the hate or not.

Also, I just feel so lonely.
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earthmuffin

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #37 on: August 11, 2012, 11:26:42 PM »

 :grouphug:

I think all your feelings are natural, Dini, so don't feel badly or guilty about them or anything. My mom always told me "time heals all wounds" and I think she is right. You will not always feel the way you are feeling right now. Write it all out, punch pillows if you have too, talk to your counselor, go out with your friends, and be compassionate with yourself. And remember he and what he did to you does not define who you are, you do. You are much more powerful than you know. :loveheart:
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vordan

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #38 on: August 12, 2012, 05:40:54 AM »

I do not know how to tell you to stop loving someone, sometimes I wish I knew myself.  A good heart can get itself all banged up and take a terrible beating in this old world for not everyone is kind gentle or loving. The heart is not a domesticated beast to ride but is a wild thing that goes where it will and loves who it will. Sometimes people shut down emotionally from life's experiences or get all twisty inside, other times they walk away more compassionate and wiser. The key thing here is that you are a caring, loving person, don't be ashamed of loving, never be ashamed of loving someone even if they did not deserve your love, for it is a reflection of the quality of your character. The universe might bring into your life a truly good, kind and decent person eventually.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2012, 05:47:02 AM by vordan »
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dragonspring

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #39 on: August 12, 2012, 09:14:19 AM »

I agree with EM and vordan.  I was angry with my first husband for years and went through times where I couldn't understand how I could ever love someone so evil.  IMO, some people do things so terrible that it overshadows any good they might have within.  It helps to express your feelings.  Over time, the anger fades.  What is important is forgiving yourself - being a loving person is a good thing.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2012, 09:17:09 AM by dragonspring »
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #40 on: August 12, 2012, 09:18:15 AM »

Thanks, both of you.  :loveheart: It is helpful to have reassurance.

Earthmuffin, I'm just surprised, because I've never felt like this before. I've gotten gratification from hearing bad things about one other person, but not to this extent, and not things that are this bad. I mean, what kind of person gets satisfaction out of hearing that someone's been kicked out of his home and is getting into hard drugs? Why would I want that for anyone? I know it's just irrational, but even when I'm irrational I never want to hurt anyone.

Vordan, I don't think I love him. I'm not sure if I ever did, but sometimes I have trouble remembering how I felt back then. I feel like I was loving who I thought he was, but not what he actually is...then again, I might be kidding myself. I've just never known love to contain so much hate.

Usually, I'm happy to be with my friends and hear from them. I think I love my friends, or at least who I they seem to be. Most of the time, I can even joke about what happened with my ex, even if it does still upset me. But sometimes I get like this, and I want to see my ex just so I could yell at him and punch him in the face...he never got prosecuted for what he did. I wasn't in a state to give accurate testimony, and I probably would have tried to testify in his favor--after all, I did lie to a bunch of people about it. It made things difficult later. I just wish I could do something to make him know that he can't get away with stuff like that. This whole incident and everything that surrounds it is completely out of character for me, and that's what worries me.

Thank you, dragonspring! I'd like to forgive him eventually, but I don't think it's likely. People are always talking about the importance of forgiveness, but it's not always possible. It does help to express my feelings, when I can figure out appropriate ways to express them (this is coming from someone who headbutts people and steps on their feet as a sign of affection). It's so confusing.
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rainshadow

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #41 on: August 12, 2012, 10:06:00 AM »

I wasn't on the board when you first posted about this Dini, so I apologize for a late response.

Everything you're feeling is a natural response I think. I went through some pretty hard abusive exes myself, as well as growing up in an abusive home, and I turned it around by pursuing a career where I could help others in similar situations that I was in and nobody could (or would) do anything about. That being said, I'm still in therapy, and there are many, many days where I have problems processing my trauma. Some days are very dark days where all the hatred, pain, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and that "void" just seem to consume me and I can barely think straight... but most days, I'm simply comforted by the fact that going through those situations (no matter how much they hurt at the time they occurred) made me who I am today and gave me the strength to help other people through my career and help others by being a better friend. I feel like most times, that it betters me as a person. I don't have it nearly as bad as what I could have (given some of the situations), and I try to remind myself and be thankful of that. I have abuse trauma, as well as some trauma I experienced as a police officer, and there's no other advice I've really found as helpful as "take it one day at a time"...

I hold the belief that every single person we encounter... no matter how brief or how big or small of a role they played in our lives (meeting a stranger on the street or being in a serious relationship, etc.)... we encounter these people to learn something, and sometimes, we may not even know what we're supposed to learn until later down the line. Sometimes the lesson can hit you right after whatever you've experienced, and sometimes, it takes YEARS to get through something. I went through a horrible relationship before I met my husband... after 2 years of abuse, taking care of the guys' kids, the whole nine yards (and I was only 19 years old at the time, he was 32, really stupid decision on my part), he calls me one day (while we're still together) and tells me to pack my stuff and hit the road, that he was marrying someone two weeks later... I lived in my car for four months after, showering at friends' and getting meals where I could, and to this day, I still have no idea how in the world he got away with it and is living a happy life right now (he's got a nice home, still married to the woman he left me for, makes more money than I can think of, the works)... I'm living a happy life as well, 1,600 miles away from the jerk... but there are days where I wish karma would bite him in the ass... there are days when I'm glad I'm just done with him and never have to see him again... and there are numerous days (even 6 years after the fact) that I find myself thinking of him and wondering what I was supposed to learn from that lesson. To this day, I still can't figure it out. I learned resiliency, but I always have the feeling there was something more I was supposed to get out of that (other than black eyes and a broken heart) and a bigger lesson I was supposed to learn.

Sorry to thread-jack... I just wanted to let you know (as the others have) that you aren't alone. There are also some very good resources out there for women who have been in abusive relationships... maybe your therapist could recommend one to you?

Also, something that helps me, and this is with anything, not really when I'm just trying to process my trauma... whenever you feel angry or negative, mean, hateful, etc., take a black candle, burn it and visualize/pour all that energy into it... the same goes for all of your positive feelings, except use a white candle... whenever you need a "positive" boost, light that white candle (I've always buried the black ones, or let them burn all the way down)... I didn't think it would help at first, a friend taught it to me a few years ago... but if I play some of my favorite music and burn that white candle, or burn the candle while doing something like journaling, etc., it offers a good mood boost most days.
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diniesaur

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Re: Need help getting over things...
« Reply #42 on: August 16, 2012, 06:15:27 PM »

Thank you, Jen! What that person did to you is horrible. I think you found one of my biggest problems with it when you said you hoped Karma would get back at him. That's what causes me a lot of stress about my ex, especially when I feel like I'm the only one who can give him what I feel he deserves.

*sigh* I think I'm doing better today, though. I'm not having that horrible rage that I was earlier, but I know it will come back. I just hope it's a long time before it does!
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