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Author Topic: Caring for a spirit spouse?  (Read 706 times)

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Tundrawolf

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Caring for a spirit spouse?
« on: March 24, 2022, 03:19:49 AM »

Hi,

It was revealed to me last year that I do have a spirit spouse, who has half of my heart in her chest, and half of her heart in my chest. Basically, when I felt her heart beat in my chest I was completed as a man.

Slight issue, she is basically a "furry" and is half wolf, half human (possibly nephilim) with an extremely high libido. (I was shown when she was created her creator added an unusually high amount of amorous desire from the waters of sexuality, which is not as cool as you may think, and can be an issue that torments us both, and has for some time, though we were intimate once, twenty years ago during a quite intense session.)

She is potentially dangerous, and while once she leaned her bear like muzzle towards me in the darkness, it terrified me (my soul) so badly I had to push her away with my will. (and she retreated back into the darkness) She is highly intelligent and we communicate with one another almost daily. Because she has half of my heart, it is impossible to keep anything from her, and as such it can be difficult to allow her to help guide me to being a better person, because my efforts must absolutely be fully genuine at the deepest core level. (she knows me better than god perhaps, certainly better than I know myself to a high degree)

She did express to me that she is hungry, and I want to give her sustenance within the confines of human law presently. I do sacrifice food to her. I am told that helps.

I have given her freedom, and granted her access to this realm as I endeavor to make peace with her. Her and I were married in a previous life, and I failed to love her as she deserved in that life, however this is a growing experience for us both.

From what I can remember of the visions I had of her, she has four toes, eight inch wide and very powerful metatarsals and thick tendons, has large, powerful legs, stands at eight feet tall, has hands and arms, and who's head is rather large, and her muzzle roughly the size of a bears. (also her head is bear like, but I can't see it perfectly yet) She is self conscious of me, as I endeavor to accept parts of her body, but I was shown she was the first of her kind and "beloved" of her creator, as his precious and cherished daughter by her father who may be called "god".

She presently lives in a dark realm, and when I spoke to her mind directly last year, she was angry with "god", angry with me, and wanted to stay in the dark realm.

I have made some advancements in softening offensive beliefs I had had, making peace between her and I.

As we share a heart that beats at the exact same frequency, it is beneficial to make peace with her, as it effects my emotional and spiritual well being, and conversely, I wish to bless her, as my very rough childhood and adulthood made me form opinions and beliefs that are rightfully offensive to her and unnatural in my brutal childhood, and make her actually quite mad. Aside from not making an eight foot tall werewolf (who's always in anthro form) upset with me, the truth is, I do love her with the love of the eons, maybe even more love Tha god, and as I endeavor to meet her on her level, it actually makes me a better human.

Recently, I was releasing her, as she seemed toxic and vicious, but she worked with me to realize I have been in survival mode since childhood, making me a violent and selfish person (she was right. The issue was not with her, but with me. The moment I turned my survival mode off, the world went from being a battlefield to a place of peace. She was right! I was in this mode so long I forgot I was living in it. I have her to thank for this... And she admits she is not perfect, either. I have tremendous empathy and compassion for her, and want her to remain safe, cherished, and loved. I would be vicious, hateful, and violent if my spirit spouse had the deep rooted issues that I personally have. And yes, I do have stockholm syndrome with her, however, that does not change the facts.)

I am open to help and suggestions, as I was sort of tossed into the deep end with her match of 2021, and her power and strength helped me survive as a little boy.

A slightly complicated matter, I was attacked spiritually two decades ago, and she was part of it. She reverted to a more feral version of herself and... Did sort of use my soul body as prey, which was not a very positive (a lot of terror and anxiety, almost ending me in this realm.) experience. However, as I felt my essence broke down in her gut, I felt myself giving her life, and joining with her life force... In short it was the first time I ever felt loved in such a deep level. I do not think two entities can be joined as intimately outside of this form of merging and sharing of essence and life. However gruesome.

She has since backed off due to my will, and a white witch told me, se was actually protecting me. I believe this. I have offered myself to her, but she has remained respectful and honors my will and sensibilities. (and fears) The least I can do is the same for her, though our relationship began with me basically humping her leg because she appeared so incredibly powerful and beautiful to me. I remember being grieved wolf-people did not exist when I was a teenager... Then I saw her in the vision and my life here changed forever.

Though, in this dark realm, her bare feet are immersed in a form of mire, and her once soft coat of body fur has fallen out, her skin blackened by the stench of the place. It is not ideal.

I was given a vision of her, her face black with the filth of the dark realm, and a single tear falling down her left cheek, cutting through the filth and revealing clean, snow white fur on her face.

On a personal level, when I was a child, I had an near death experience, where my soul was saturated in the "living resonating water" of the source of all love. When she consumed me, she also broke down and disgested pure love. (sort of a trick of god or someone to infuse love back into her?) I was told an aura of love is being generated around her, as she snapped at me (it was terrifying and I did not try to repeat it!) when I attempted to project love to her (it hurt her, love hurts her, I was told, cause her physical pain).

So, I have had to remain somewhat distant and respectful of her sensibilities, though as hard as my transformation as a person from trauma to healing, her journey is going to be hard as well. I was told she would be lot without me. (I am going through what she may eventually go through, and I am to be a guide of compassion for her.)

Recently I was shown she feels wronged by me in ways that grieve me deeper than I can imagine, and have been trying to truly change to be a better, and more caring person for her, so her heart can rest, knowing I will not hurt her. From her perspective, I have utterly injured and tortured her and wronged her needlessly, and that makes me so sad.

Due to my nde, there is a light around me in the dark realm. She cannot or does not want to step into the light (she lifted a foot once, but pulled it back into the darkness, because I asked her to step into he light, before my work of meeting her on her level began), even though countless, countless other entities in the dark realm (you may call it hell, in various visions I was told it far, far exceeds the word billion...) have stepped into the light around me. She remains just outside of it. And yes her bodies plumbing is very female, she showed me very specifically. She won't show me her chest as I struggle with being ashamed of it, which I realize is shame and not acceptance of my own body, and I am grieved that she feels my shame, when I should fully accept her, feet to ears, and everything in between.

She is very, very real, and is more terrifying than any movie monster I have ever seen. Yet, she protected me as a child, and while she is angry with me, she is indirectly helping me to heal from my childhood. Helping me remain safe, as she even still protects me. The love I desperately craved and aspired to resonate with my entire life, was actually deep within her heart. Basically, I have been searching for her heart my whole life and never knew it.

I want the very, very best for her. I once invited her to commune with me during a hard time in my life recently, and I told her, I was willing to be reincarnated as a petite human female, harmless to her, to take her hand, out of the darkness into the light, and to be by her side so long as her hart desires me, to clean her body, massage her from head to toe, truly tell her how beautiful she is, risking my life to concretely let her know that she is forgivable, loved, and deserving of mercy and kindness. Going with her into the sparkling cities of light, her fierce defender, restoring her to the beauty she feels she has lost forever.

She told me, this appealed to her. She feels like she is beyond forgiveness, and ugly. And that is at least partly my fault, for sins in my pst life, and currently ugly beliefs I still hold to his day over what is natural, but work on softening as they are revealed to me.

In short, the visions, communications, and heart resonance I share with her, as our hearts are connected with a sacred crimson strand, that I would rather cease to exist than to cause harm to one hair on her body.

I was told yesterday she "cannot harm me" and we both relaxed when I invested faith into that belief.

Honestly, my heart aches to hold her in my arms, and truly, truly connect with the deepest, most sacred chambers of her spirit, and fill them with pure l, selfless love, something I have actually done for other humans in this realm during a hug. One human women I hugged this way, said, "how did you do that?!" when I channeled the ourelove I felt in my nde into her soul as our bellies were connected. Justifying her, healing and forgiving her. (I desire to do this for Ms Asrael, and keep doing it so long she as desires it. Holding her for days at a time, if she wills it.)

I have also worked with feral earth wolves in this life, for a number of years, and a large feral wolf did save my lie. Once, a female wolf fell into my lap, pushed her body into my chest, and I literally felt her deep spiritual loneliness, an she felt my own, and for a moment we literally healed one another with our pained resonance. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life, and to his day I wish I would have held her for hours, to feel her spirit so close to my own.

I call the wolf woman revealed to me Ms Asrael, as I was told I am not allowed to know her real name yet, as speaking it would "summon" her, and that could be bad for us both. I don't want to be attacked again, to be honest, and when she ingested my soul, it felt terrible, and I do not know if I can willingly endure that again, yet I am somewhat willing to do even this if it could benefit her. She jokingly (I... Hope...) said once, her favorite food was basically me. (my soul)

I do want to feed her somehow, and so far leaving sandwiches for her and believing it does indeed feed her, has helped. (she is satiated and not hangry like before) she likes the smell of lilacs and the color blue.

Help, advice, wisdom, are so very much appreciated. I was told, if she can know I will not hurt her, and knows deep down I truly care for her, she will step into the light, completing the near full redemption of the dark realm. I have authority over her now, and can command her if I willed it, and she asked me, why I would ransom myself to her supervisor, for physical intimacy, or power, I told her, no, for her freedom. I want her to be happy. But maybe she's bored? She was sort of making war in other countries when I realized she needed to be fed.

Oh, and a friend of mine asked to see her, and while I told him, that is extremely dangerous as I give her complete freedom to do as she wills, he told me something that was only told to me, confirming she had indeed visited him in a dream. (giving me validation, I will not lie, it felt good)

I was told that what we consider to be haven was once called hell, and the dark ones worked out their anger, and learned to live with one another. And, that this was not the first iteration of this dynamic of redemption and reconciliation.

I have been given many, many visions. And, I do work with many of the entities in various forms of imprisonment and exile. One wolf-person (male) is lending Ms Asrael his prayers and energy and it is helping.

But, I am a layman, relying on an unseen force to guide me. I was always told demons and Magick were evil, by cruel, vicious and eccentric religious parents. I have discarded my previous toxic religious beliefs and am starting fresh as I submit and attempt to meet Ms Asrael on her level. Not to ask anything of her, but to be a safe space for her, if she ever becomes ready to set her feet into the light. (when she's comfortable, and there is no aught between us, because so far, she has been right about my own toxicity, almost 100% if I search deep enough. It is hard, maturing, when your teacher holds your heart and knows your deepest thoughts.)
« Last Edit: March 24, 2022, 03:56:04 AM by Tundrawolf »
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